If you are nothing without something, then you were never very much to begin with.
When something is so ingrained into one’s ego, anything that even seemingly threatens that thing also threatens to shatter the ego along with it… and I can think of nothing more fragile than the human ego. When one becomes their purpose or cause, and if having only one, threatening that cause by simply even not agreeing with it is taken as a personal attack that they feel they must defend. The result is often a knee-jerk emotional response that lacks any semblance of sound reason.
(2014, July) „Porträt meiner Innerste‟ [ash, oil and blood on canvas]
*Translation: “Portrait of my [Inner-self]”. Innerste doesn’t directly translate to English, but it means… “the deepest area in the inner-experience of being”.
Were I even able to find happiness in my dreams, I would sleep forever. No, even in repose do I find no rest for me. I close my eyes and the best I can hope is to wake without remembering any of the horrors I suffer in my mind. Death, I certainly hope, is not an eternal rest. I would much prefer it to be a permanent end, an assimilation into nothingness where pain dwells no more.
When we are born: we are thrust into the world, screaming in pain and confusion. What a perfect omen for what is to come…
I have decided to offer, free of charge, philosophical consultation. There are a number of philosophical journals out there, some even have calls for papers (usually newer upstarts). Many philosophy courses, particularly upper-level, are also primarily driven by papers. There are also independent studies courses in many philosophy majors and minors. Should any of you be interested in submitted papers to journals or are writing papers for a course, or even just writing on your own, I am offering consultation free of charge. This applies to anyone interested writing in any style, even if your philosophical ideas are a polar opposite of my own. Business philosophy and personal philosophy (non-written, like objective statements or mission statements) as well.
What I mean by consultation is not that I will write your papers for you. Essentially, I can review your papers for: soundness of argument, logical fallacies, adherence to a particular school of thought (required for various assignments and journals), effectiveness of argumentation, unnecessary information, clarity, help with terminology, etc. I can also tell you what your opponents/detractors will likely use as argumentation against your work. I can even provide pertinent information and philosophical works or ideas to help support your argumentation. I can also provide hermeneutic translations of German philosophical works that maintain the original meaning in English with clarity and structural soundness (as often these translations are quite poor; I once wrote a paper and was citing Heidegger’s “Being and Time” and the translation was so bad that I had to translate the relevant text myself. These translations are limited to German and Austrian works only, I cannot translate Swiss German or old High German.
In this moment, I am at peace. All desire has fled from me, and I care no longer for anything. I have no desire for the basic pleasures of the flesh, or stimulation of the mind. Contentedly empty, wholly indifferent—to die in my sleep tonight would be a perfect end, because I would hate tomorrow if I woke and all of the Sehnsucht, pain and desire returned.
Unfortunately, I know I will have no such luck. The dread of waking and the return is now preventing my sleep. Such rare serenity wasted on sleep is a shame, no doubt… but waiting until the ills of existence return is a dreadful thought and they will surely rob me of sleep then. I rather would lie down my head in the quiet than the noise of the calamity of life.
Fate has fêted my demise since the moment of my conception, and She will continue to place the impasses into my path that allow neither happiness or death.
And here still I am awake, sleep far from my grasp.
The impetus of desire stands as a rekoning of Life, preventing me ever to be free from Her howls and claws. Enslaved by this imposition, even the torpor preceeding sleep is a burden.
Considering the unarguable validity of Antinatalism, it is no wonder people are often that, when the reality of having a child sets in, people often quite depressed and suffer immense despair. That they still have children in spite of such evidence and refuse the reality of such a heinous imposition, even the fact that not wanting children would be so vehemently opposed by society, is understandable by way of a simple simile:
The calls from “Mother Nature” or the proverbial “biological clock” are like that of a person holding a gun to your head, demanding that you cut off your own legs.
It is no wonder that many would not risk the gun being empty and decide to hinder themselves and their life in order to rid themselves of the oppressive demands of the gunman. Society may hold this gun to my head as long as it may wish, for I will never have a child of my own. And considering what a massive burden life is, they might as well pull the trigger.
“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?” — Voltaire
I could find no more eloquent of a way to explain why I have not tried again than what Voltaire has said here, though I do know that there is another, differing, motivation behind it: the fear of failure.